If you find yourself reading this more slowly than usual, it’s probably because I’m typing it with one finger, a 50-percent reduction from my usual hunt-and-peck. In the course of acting half my age, I injured my right shoulder and recently had surgery. And yes, I’m right-handed.
Everything is healing nicely, but I still have four more weeks in a hi-tech, overly velcroed sling. I’m learning that being in this position leaves me pretty much useless—more than half useless actually.
Ever try brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand? It goes pretty much how you might imagine: messy and very inefficient. How about applying deodorant to your left pit? For the record, I’ve given up on that for the time being, so if you see me, the 3-foot rule is in effect.
It’s the simple things I miss, like pouring a cup of coffee. My left doesn’t stop pouring as quickly as my right, I’ve come to find. Can’t really cook, either. If you want a hot stock tip, invest in hummus, as that’s most of my diet these days.
Walking my two very large and not-very-intelligent dogs is out of the question. They’ve replaced this activity with giving me dirty looks, chasing the cats, and eating toilet paper. I guess those are fair trade-offs. The cats have been giving me the same dirty looks, by the way, but since that’s what cats do anyway, I’m not overly concerned.
Sleeping, which is my favorite time of the day, has been no picnic either. I’m a side sleeper, and my options have been cut in half. The sling tends to strangle me just as I get comfortable, so there’s that.
I’m just a peach of a guy these days. Stinky, tired, and the subject of scorn and ridicule from the house pets. So, how’s your summer going?