Deck the Dangerous Halls
My mom had this thing about buying holiday candles that you were never allowed to light. Of course when there are four curious (OK, malicious) boys under foot, that was a statute just begging to be trampled.
I remember these four candles in particular that were molded into the shape of cherubic Christmas carolers. While we four squealed with juvenile delinquent delight watching their little wax heads melt away (while chanting “I’m mellllllltinnnngggg”), I have to wonder what sick mind conjured that one up in the first place.
Now let’s talk tinsel.
When I was a kid, tinsel was made with lead, and yes, I put gobs and gobs of it in my mouth. I remember even pretending it was dental floss, which I’m sure comes as no surprise to my long-time readers. But, toxicity aside, tinsel is ugly, messy, and tests the patience of all but the most saintly decorator. You start by artistically draping a few strands at a time, but after 10 or 20 minutes, everyone is hurling it like participants in a drunken spaghetti fight.
Face it, the only people who truly like tinsel are in the vacuum repair business.
I’m also not fond of any type of themed decoration paying tribute to any TV show, movie, fictional character or celebrity. No SpongeBob holiday tea set or John Wayne chrome-finish cowboy Christmas ornaments for this guy. (Though truth be told, I’d kill for a Yoda-eared Santa hat… because that’s a classic!)
So what do I like? Lights! Lots and lots of multi-colored, LED, limitless-strand connecting, indoor/outdoor, continuously-operating-when-one-is-burned-out, break-resistant holiday Christmas lights.
And I like these lights only when the annoying, tiny little “overload-protection” fuses have been replaced by wadded up aluminum foil. I want my lights all operated by one switch and I want them durable enough to withstand a volcano-spewing-giant-zombie-attack. And a 10-year guarantee.
Editor’s note: If you read this, please, please see Page 18 for some important counterbalancing advice, and have a happy, safe holiday season.